Sunday, October 20, 2013

40 Watt Bulb

Life is abundant and simple, isn’t that just the hardest thing to accept? Misery is so easy and takes absolutely no strength to perfect. The battle between the two roads is only real because I can’t let it go, I need it; I need the thrill of feeling like it’s me against the world, the feeling of being lost and searching and wondering, ultimately the thrill of naïve ignorance. When you give up all of this mystery of life, all you’re left with is a matter-of-fact realization that life is exactly what you make it. You are responsible for everything that has happened, there are no more people to blame and no finger to point. I guess the battle is between whether or not you can forgive yourself for the blind things you did before you comprehended the chain of events created within each moment, or live in regret, angst, fear, and self-loathing and torture yourself with guilt and self-pity. It’s so easy to torture yourself, drowning out sorrows and problems with booze and seeing the blurred solution at the bottom of a glass or being consumed and swallowed in the ragged mentality of ‘poor me’.

How am I supposed to give up the good fight? Throw in my red flag and abandon the integrity of the battle I’ve put so many good years in to, completely give in and surrender my darkness to the light I’ve been trying to keep out. Ultimately, my greatest enemy is myself. This whole time I’ve been fighting I was on the losing team, a doomed battle from the start and I didn’t even know it. I thought I had a cause, I thought I was defending my honor but as it turns out I was putting a plague on my name and bruises on my soul. A humbled mind is focused and pure, not reckless and vengeful. Instant gratification is so tempting and sweet, but it goes by so quickly and gets you addicted even faster. Initially, no one wants to give up an addiction, it’s too hard for something that is so easy, it becomes familiar and routine and structuring. We begin to rely on these habits and they start to be a crutch, a temporary escape from whatever you’re running from, hell, I’m guilty of it all. I know I have the strength in myself to accept the things my eyes don’t want my heart to see, I know everyone has that strength to let go and move on towards something beautiful because everything in this life is beautiful if you pay attention. The chaos of destruction is even beautiful because no matter how bad it ever gets the comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason is right there to cushion your fall if you choose it, if you let it.

Everything is out of my control except me, I am all that I can steer and the paths I cross are the directions that I chose to go. This is what is ailing me, this is what I’m running fast and far from. Ownership for the way I acted, a person I used to be who I don’t even know anymore; greedy, selfish, and judgmental, or just mental. Being like this is what served as my muse, a kind of hell that I basked in that started to drive me and create unnecessary motive. Anger was always my favorite move, I did it so well it became an art I mastered. It kept my blood warm and my heart cold and I became a shell of a person to try and cope with harsh lies that fear whispers late at night exposing all the secrets kept.

Where do you go after that? How do you find the strength to pick yourself up just to give in to the ominous battle? That dreaded battle between you and that little voice in your head telling you opposing sides of what you want your reality to look like. That little voice that is your worst enemy, it’s the part that doesn’t believe in you, the voice trying to bring you down and hurt you because misery doesn’t love anything more than company. For a currently unknown reason, the anger that resides in my blood still plays a part in fueling me, it’s still giving me energy to breath and the fear at the back of my mind still keeps me on my feet and gives me a jump in my step; I still love it all. This fight is one I’m good at and it seems to have become what I wake up for, the struggle throughout every day and all it’s choices and consequences. That little voice keeps telling me “this is fun” and I believe it, every time.

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Another Day’s Thoughts:

Coming from the battlefield, the fight seems irrelevant. It seems the ‘one foot in’ strategy isn’t working, you need to pick a side and decide what cause you’re fighting for and then give in completely to that cause surrendering utterly. It’s the light versus dark battle and from my experience, I’m putting my money on the light side coming out on top.

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Some Time Later:

My mind is in a war zone. The battle against destiny seems like a paradox. You can’t fight destiny or fate because no matter your efforts, it was always supposed to turn out that way and end like that, every effort against it is in vein. I keep reminding myself of this every time I get righteous. Free will doesn’t even exist, it’s just an illusion considering you have no choice in the outcome; it was always going to end that way and anything that has happened had to happen so having any feelings other than complacent acceptance is moot. The meaning of it all is still so unclear, I’m not getting discouraged, I’m just getting tired. There is no room to believe in chance or luck if you believe that everything happens for a reason. It is true that you chose the path you walk down, but fate always knew where you would end up, if you would have the strength to get up after being knocked down, or if you stay down when the going got too hard. Destiny is your general in this fight, trusting it is all you can do, battle the enemy not fate, fate is not the enemy. Destiny is where you will end up, fate is how you will get there. The strategy is simple, accept and persevere. When you’re on the right path, don’t ever look back just keep on moving in the direction in which feels right to you because none of your commanders will tell you the route to take, you are the army, you are the commander and if you don’t have the answers no one around you will either. Everything in this war, in this life, is trial and error. Find what works and ride it out until the next wave and take that one too, if you get washed back on to the shore start again but don’t give up no matter how valid the excuse might be.



Has the integrity of this revelation been destroyed with one-liners I can’t help but speak? 

Friday, March 1, 2013

Forced Empathy

Fog over the city, there's fog in my head. I smile out of pity at the words I never said.
Pressure in my eyes, there's pressure in my heart. I'm now feeling all the lies that I ignored right from the start.
Shortage in the booze, there's a shortage in my brain. The demons I can't refuse are the demons that remain.
The image of a vacant bed taunts the feeling in my vacant head.

Unsettling decisions in my stomach that resonate in my brain. Unreliable feelings that numb my body but magnify the pain. Circle thoughts that circulate my blood but end up being in vein. Every day is different but every night ends up the same. 

Monday, October 1, 2012

Business Per Usual

It's business per usual here today at the office as I've turned off my individual mind in order to function properly in society. A mind that is telling me to "quick, get out, run for your life; for the sake of your soul; because here, in this business, this particular field will pick apart your will to live, it will suck your soul like a metaphorical vampire. Now, turn around and don't look back, never ever make that mistake of looking back and just leave ..." Corporate America, the devil's playground consisting of leaches, pigs, liars in suites, money grubbers, greed, filth, slime, slander, and worst of all, power. Power which drives a once stable man half insane and controls his morals, morals being a word I use loosely in this case. Day after day I wonder why I am still here, breathing in this air, gripping my soul as tight as I can, fear crawling through my veins at the thought of letting it accidentally slip at the sight of a paycheck; every other week it gets that much harder. Two years, two long years, institutionalized and somehow I've kept alive, somehow I didn't let the bitterness of the world around me set in completely, though my insides show signs of being stained with the filth of these four walls. Somehow I am still here, it makes me feel like such a coward; like I am incapable of moving towards something else because I have become so comfortable with the routine of every day and every lonely night pondering what my next move should be, pondering and always coming up short of a solid solution. I've got my soul, yes, but did they suck straight through to my brain? Was it a toss up between individual thinking and the souls? Did they blind side me with this unwritten ultimatum? Maybe I won my soul,  but is my brain gone for good? All the answers to the clouded hazy questions I ask become clear when I step off that train, when my foot hits suburbia's gravel and the city buildings leave my body. When I fall off that train step and lay until I can gather the strength to pick my lifeless self back up and walk on my own again. This is routine, every inch of it, every day, every fight and every battle, won or lost, it's a 9-5 Monday-Friday struggle through existence. My body has picked up auto-pilot to help me heal a little better. It takes the hits for me so I don't have to feel any of this isolated pain of wandering through all of this without any say.  Day after day after day. Hang on for the ride.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Beginning

Introduction:

This is all very new to me, although I've dealt with blogs before it was a very long time ago and since have switched my writing platform to Word or in my Journal (whose name is Florence). Previously I published my work on MySpace when it was the "big thing " to do.

I wanted to create a page where I can express myself via writing, I also envision this page to be the beginning of making my dreams come true. I (think) I want to get in to music journalism so I am hoping that this blog is going to serve as my outlet to write reviews on artists and concerts and thoughts about the music industry and things of that nature. Also, I want this blog to serve as a place for me to publicly put my other miscellaneous writing, of what I have a lot.

I'm really looking forward to sharing my posts with whomever reads this (even if you don't like it) and really getting started with the way I see my future! I know a blog probably doesn't seem like it's a big thing to start, but this is a huge step for me and I am very proud of myself for getting it up and running. There will be changes being made to this blog every day (or as often as I can) so stay tuned and watch the progress!!



Thank you!
Sincerely yours,
Melissa Ann