Life is abundant and simple, isn’t that just the hardest
thing to accept? Misery is so easy and takes absolutely no strength to perfect.
The battle between the two roads is only real because I can’t let it go, I need
it; I need the thrill of feeling like it’s me against the world, the feeling of
being lost and searching and wondering, ultimately the thrill of naïve
ignorance. When you give up all of this mystery of life, all you’re left with
is a matter-of-fact realization that life is exactly what you make it. You are
responsible for everything that has happened, there are no more people to blame
and no finger to point. I guess the battle is between whether or not you can
forgive yourself for the blind things you did before you comprehended the chain
of events created within each moment, or live in regret, angst, fear, and
self-loathing and torture yourself with guilt and self-pity. It’s so easy to
torture yourself, drowning out sorrows and problems with booze and seeing the
blurred solution at the bottom of a glass or being consumed and swallowed in
the ragged mentality of ‘poor me’.
How am I supposed to give up the good fight? Throw in my red
flag and abandon the integrity of the battle I’ve put so many good years in to,
completely give in and surrender my darkness to the light I’ve been trying to
keep out. Ultimately, my greatest enemy is myself. This whole time I’ve been
fighting I was on the losing team, a doomed battle from the start and I didn’t
even know it. I thought I had a cause, I thought I was defending my honor but
as it turns out I was putting a plague on my name and bruises on my soul. A
humbled mind is focused and pure, not reckless and vengeful. Instant
gratification is so tempting and sweet, but it goes by so quickly and gets you
addicted even faster. Initially, no one wants to give up an addiction, it’s too
hard for something that is so easy, it becomes familiar and routine and
structuring. We begin to rely on these habits and they start to be a crutch, a
temporary escape from whatever you’re running from, hell, I’m guilty of it all.
I know I have the strength in myself to accept the things my eyes don’t want my
heart to see, I know everyone has that strength to let go and move on towards
something beautiful because everything in this life is beautiful if you pay
attention. The chaos of destruction is even beautiful because no matter how bad
it ever gets the comfort in knowing that everything happens for a reason is
right there to cushion your fall if you choose it, if you let it.
Everything is out of my control except me, I am all that I
can steer and the paths I cross are the directions that I chose to go. This is
what is ailing me, this is what I’m running fast and far from. Ownership for
the way I acted, a person I used to be who I don’t even know anymore; greedy,
selfish, and judgmental, or just mental. Being like this is what served as my
muse, a kind of hell that I basked in that started to drive me and create
unnecessary motive. Anger was always my favorite move, I did it so well it became
an art I mastered. It kept my blood warm and my heart cold and I became a shell
of a person to try and cope with harsh lies that fear whispers late at night
exposing all the secrets kept.
Where do you go after that? How do you find the strength to
pick yourself up just to give in to the ominous battle? That dreaded battle
between you and that little voice in your head telling you opposing sides of
what you want your reality to look like. That little voice that is your worst
enemy, it’s the part that doesn’t believe in you, the voice trying to bring you
down and hurt you because misery doesn’t love anything more than company. For a
currently unknown reason, the anger that resides in my blood still plays a part
in fueling me, it’s still giving me energy to breath and the fear at the back
of my mind still keeps me on my feet and gives me a jump in my step; I still
love it all. This fight is one I’m good at and it seems to have become what I
wake up for, the struggle throughout every day and all it’s choices and
consequences. That little voice keeps telling me “this is fun” and I believe
it, every time.
______________________________________________________________________________
Another Day’s Thoughts:
Coming from the battlefield, the fight seems irrelevant. It
seems the ‘one foot in’ strategy isn’t working, you need to pick a side and
decide what cause you’re fighting for and then give in completely to that cause
surrendering utterly. It’s the light versus dark battle and from my experience,
I’m putting my money on the light side coming out on top.
______________________________________________________________________________
Some Time Later:
My mind is in a war zone. The battle against destiny seems
like a paradox. You can’t fight destiny or fate because no matter your efforts,
it was always supposed to turn out that way and end like that, every effort
against it is in vein. I keep reminding myself of this every time I get
righteous. Free will doesn’t even exist, it’s just an illusion considering you
have no choice in the outcome; it was always going to end that way and anything
that has happened had to happen so having any feelings other than complacent
acceptance is moot. The meaning of it all is still so unclear, I’m not getting
discouraged, I’m just getting tired. There is no room to believe in chance or
luck if you believe that everything happens for a reason. It is true that you
chose the path you walk down, but fate always knew where you would end up, if
you would have the strength to get up after being knocked down, or if you stay
down when the going got too hard. Destiny is your general in this fight,
trusting it is all you can do, battle the enemy not fate, fate is not the
enemy. Destiny is where you will end up, fate is how you will get there. The
strategy is simple, accept and persevere. When you’re on the right path, don’t
ever look back just keep on moving in the direction in which feels right to you
because none of your commanders will tell you the route to take, you are the
army, you are the commander and if you don’t have the answers no one around you
will either. Everything in this war, in this life, is trial and error. Find
what works and ride it out until the next wave and take that one too, if you
get washed back on to the shore start again but don’t give up no matter how
valid the excuse might be.
Has the integrity of this revelation been destroyed with
one-liners I can’t help but speak?
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